Pensaments blancs

M'he emocionat.

I la mar ha aconseguit trencar les barreres físiques i ficar-se dins els meus ulls sense que me n'adonara.

M'he emocionat perquè, asseguda davant la mar, amb el so de l'espuma besant les roques, m'he sentit plena de gent.

Voldria compartir una abraçada i una conversa amb tota la gent que m'estime i que està repartida arreu del món. I no m'entristeix el no poder fer-ho. Seria una bogeria posar-se trista per quelcom que, de fet, sí que pots fer.

Ni un veloç repàs mental de totes aquelles persones que m'agradaria tenir a la vora és suficient per abastir ni una decena part d'aquestes.

I això em recomforta.

Sent la màgia vibrar allà on el cel i la mar fan l'amor per donar vida a aquell qui dibuixa esperances millor que ningú: l'horitzó.

Mire enllà, i a través de dolces llàgrimes, veig somriure tots aquells qui m'estime.

De sobte, estar sola no significa res si sé que ma mare li somriu a la vida, que ma germana segueix lluitant amb valentia, que Lidon fa molt feliç a mon pare, que la gent a Mostar aprofita els últims dies, que Evan es menja el món com si fos un gelat, que Yuval està content a l'exèrcit, que Ruth Mari Emma Veronica Candela Georg Nico ForestVolunteers i tota la resta segueixen escampant màgia pel món amb la seua simple presència, que els amics de Castelló estan contents, que Lale està pagada de la meua bufanda, que Alberto segueix amb el cul tan inquiet com sempre, que el iaio Vitorino, si pot somriure, segur que ho està fent, que la meua germana major... és feliç - de ser i de no ser - d'haver permés que una persona tan meravellosa com jo puga existir a la faç de la terra.

Seria una bona metàfora per a explicar perquè el meu cor és tan gran i treballa at an unsustainable efficiency rate.

This is the power of NOW.

The joy of existing. The love for other people's lives. The peace of knowing that dying know would not make me regret a single thing.

Un somriure, i cap a l'hotel a skypear.

I'm yours

I was thinking about which language to write this post in. Catalan or English? Sometimes I feel like a traitor, when such spontaneous expressions/thoughts like "fuck, I'm cold!" or "right, now I'll..." come up in English.

But, eventually, more than a language-identity crisis, the choice over language for the blog responds more to another question: who am I writing for? For I am obviously writing for people to read me, otherwise I would just keep it in my diary.

And then, over the hotel's radio channel, there was the answer: Jason Mraz's song I'm yours.

The beginning of the tune always puts me in a better mood. Nevertheless, today it managed to make me cry.

I am stuck in this Croatian hotel until Thursday.

Stuck because, even though the wheather is now as amazing as the food, I really want to get back to Edinburgh.

I cannot say that I feel lonely, I have e-mails, facebook and skype; plus, I meet quite often some women (from Liverpool, Sheffield, and nearby Edinburgh) who are a great fun.

But I need my people. I need somebody to give me a long and deep hug.

To find myself among the fabulous P&Pers, to have breakfast with Candela and tea with Georg, to feel the Forest Café through my five senses again and to look after the Old Hat Books in an always-full-of-surprises shift, to enjoy the Meadows grass, to see the city passing by my bike's wheels, to help out Food not Bombs beyond stupid e-mails from this hotel...

It is not too bad though. Because with the extra help of The Power of NOW, I am even happier with life as it comes. I would be insane to deny how nice it is in this hotel, with the beach nearby, the weather getting better and better, and the food being great (all of which makes it difficoult to get down to writing the essay due this friday...).

But, as I said, my heart is longing for its beloved ones. And I'm wondering how much longer will the soothing sound of the sea manage to calm it down.

Even though the waves remind you that time is passing just as they do, the infinity of the ocean makes Thursday look extremely far in the horizon.

So this is why the song gave me the answer. Why I was so happy to leave Mostar after visit present memories.

Edinburgh, I'm yours.

Smile! ... or your day might fade away

I'm feeling all funny.

As a sentence came up in the Loesje workshop: "Do many homes make you homeless?"

If in Winter I would not have been surprised to see myself coming back to study in Valencia while living in my hometown; right now I cannot wait to get back to Edinburgh, not having many troubles with the thought that I might not go home for the summer break. All of this alongside the building up plan to have a sabbatical year in Bosnia i Herzegovina.

It seems as if I always wanted to be somewhere else.

"Travelling is your way home" or "Travel to find your home" (both also born in the Loesje workshop). Two very similar sentences and yet so different.

Maybe home is everywhere, if home is where your heart is. For my heart is broken into pieces which I have not yet finished exchanging. Like the old man in the story I always tell.

Being "home" is relaxing, yet it can be scary as well. It reminds you of what could have been and is not. It throws on your face your lack of attention, just as it rewards you with those invisible bonds that sometimes, only sometimes, seem to hold even after the longest silences. It comforts you with the always same street but unbalances you with those ever changing small details that you have no control nor experience over. Everything is as equal as it is different.

Today we came to Herbers, my (father's) village. I should remember more often the good that fresh air and nature does to me.

Lunch was over and my dad and I took two sofas to the terrace, and I started my almost-naked sunbathing session (one has to take the most out of this powerful sun before going back to Edinburgh) while reading the newspaper.

The day has had nothing special apart from easy conversations alongside nice walks. Which is sometimes all you need. Plus a few photos and songs in a small flowered field.

I left the only bar in the village early (1.20am), too tired and unsociable enough to not want to make any effort to chat with people I barely know, or whom I stopped knowing. On my doorstep I stopped to look at the sky, wondered if I should not have gone for a walk to see the stars.

But you see, watching stars is of no beauty if you do not have, by your side, somebody to share stories and warmth with.

And here I am, blaming the coffee I had at 11pm, which will probably keep me awake for a while, chatting with myself.

I want to spend some more time home, I want to be in Mostar in an hour and, yet, I also want to be in Edinburgh as soon as possible. How impossible.

I think the happiest day in my life would be the one I could gather all my beloved ones in a big laughing-picnic.

But a hectic world, climate change and peak oil seem to put some barriers for my perfect moment of happiness.

Not that I mind much, I have always been prompt to believe that happiness comes from those small smiles drawn into people's faces, those unnoticed wonders that suddenly become magically visible for the trained eye.

As one of the beautiful postcards Vera gave me:

Jeder Tag trägt tausend Möglichkeiten

Der Freude, der Hoffnung

Und eines kleinen Glüks in sich:

Ganz still und unbemerkt,

Inmitten dieser lauten welt,

Können die herrlichsten

Wunder geschehen.

Es sind jene kleinen Ereignisse,

Die das Leben hell und schön machen,

Jene kostbaren Augenblicke,

Von denen nur das Herz weiss.

Every day offers a thousand opportunities

Of joy, of hope

And of small fortune within it:

Silently and unnoticed,

In the middle of this loud world,

The most amazing wonder can occur.

They are these small things,

That make life bright and beautiful,

Those valuable moments

That only your heart knows of.

I think I am mistaken. Community Education is not my career; nor are they, as I have lately been wondering, Library Management or Literature. It is not being a clown either.

I am probably training in being one of those little fairies who whisper smiles in your ear, mess with your words and hands till you discover that hidden creativity you always thought as lost, and who, recklessly as magic creatures are, would not mind destroying themselves in the attempt of bringing happiness to the world.

Little boys and girls:

SMILE!

=)

Or your (to)day will fade away.